Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
