1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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