I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
