Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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