dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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