So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
