Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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