Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
