All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
