i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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