I am puke
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
