you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
