If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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