There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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