she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
