Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
