So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize