i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
