Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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