A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Yo dont text me then not text me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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