I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
