Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
