Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
