You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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