Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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