I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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