I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
