my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
