I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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