So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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