How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Success! We fucked roommates!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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