we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
