why didn't you poke me back
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
