I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
