fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations