Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
