I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
