every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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