My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
