I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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