I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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