does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
