Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
