how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
