Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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