Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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