We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
