yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
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He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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