Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up under a house in Key West
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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