I wish I could teleport
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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