I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
