Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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