I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
