we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
