: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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