Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
